I am seriously and voluntarily out of touch with mobile phone technology.
Until a few months ago, I didn’t know what Bluetooth was. I did know that Josh has a blue tooth in his mouth. Seriously – It’s like a leftover from some childhood trauma or something, but there it is, this little, bluish-tinted tooth. He’ll show it to you if you ask him.
When it comes to cell phone technology though, I am out. MMS, G3, WiFi, GPS, SMS – I read those terms from a tech review of a new phone. I don’t know what they mean. I don’t care. If I didn’t have to carry a cell phone for my job, I wouldn’t have one (that’s probably not true, but I wish it was).
And now, the iPhone is coming. I am writing this 2 days before the thing hits the streets and they are already on sale on Ebay for $1,400. I guess these things will be the official status symbol of the mobile elite, at least for a few months until the next gadget comes out. If you get one of these puppies, you will be able to look down your nose at all the mobilephiles still bragging about their Blackberrys or Razors. How droll of them.
I remember the first truly mobile phones. Motorola DynaTacs. Now, those were something, and only Somebodies had them. Back in the day, loudly answering your mobile phone in a public place was a status thing – it meant you were important, and everyone knew it. Now, loudly answering your mobile phone in a public place is just plain rude. Those old bag phones were expensive too. If you had told those original Motorola phone owners that someday, cell phone service providers would be giving phones away, they would have told you that you were crazy. Right.
After a while, everyone had a mobile phone. Just having a mobile phone was no longer status-worthy. So, pretty soon, status came with size (remember Zoolander's phone?). Mine is smaller that yours, right?
Until a few months ago, I didn’t know what Bluetooth was. I did know that Josh has a blue tooth in his mouth. Seriously – It’s like a leftover from some childhood trauma or something, but there it is, this little, bluish-tinted tooth. He’ll show it to you if you ask him.
When it comes to cell phone technology though, I am out. MMS, G3, WiFi, GPS, SMS – I read those terms from a tech review of a new phone. I don’t know what they mean. I don’t care. If I didn’t have to carry a cell phone for my job, I wouldn’t have one (that’s probably not true, but I wish it was).
And now, the iPhone is coming. I am writing this 2 days before the thing hits the streets and they are already on sale on Ebay for $1,400. I guess these things will be the official status symbol of the mobile elite, at least for a few months until the next gadget comes out. If you get one of these puppies, you will be able to look down your nose at all the mobilephiles still bragging about their Blackberrys or Razors. How droll of them.
I remember the first truly mobile phones. Motorola DynaTacs. Now, those were something, and only Somebodies had them. Back in the day, loudly answering your mobile phone in a public place was a status thing – it meant you were important, and everyone knew it. Now, loudly answering your mobile phone in a public place is just plain rude. Those old bag phones were expensive too. If you had told those original Motorola phone owners that someday, cell phone service providers would be giving phones away, they would have told you that you were crazy. Right.
After a while, everyone had a mobile phone. Just having a mobile phone was no longer status-worthy. So, pretty soon, status came with size (remember Zoolander's phone?). Mine is smaller that yours, right?
Then, it was cameras – remember the controversy? People thought that if camera phones became commonplace, there would be rampant cases of ID theft and privacy invasion as a result. Well, they were right about that.
Now there’s Blackberry, Bluetooth, WiFi, MP3 and video players. Video players?? Are they nuts?!! Do you think the morons who are determined that they can effortlessly drive with complete focus and attention during rush hour while dialing and talking on their mobile phones need video players? How long will it be before a traffic accident report reads like this:
The Victim was found dead upon arrival of emergency responders, and had to be extracted with the “Jaws of Life”. However, the Victim’s Sprint mobile phone was unscathed and still playing the season finale of “24”.
Can I rant for a moment longer? Are these wireless, in-the-ear phones the most obnoxious things ever invented??
I got on an elevator the other day, and this dude says “Hey, how’s it going?”
Now, I’m a friendly guy so I say “Great, thanks. How you?”
You know where this is going, don’t you?
He glances at me with this perturbed look and then I see the Borg implant in his ear, pulsing red – he’s on a call.
“No, just some guy on the elevator” he says to no one in particular, and I’m there for five floors staring at my shoes and boiling while he talks about really important stuff.
It’s amazing how ingrained these things are in peoples lives, isn’t it? How many times do you pull out of your driveway and see your neighbor firing up her Hummer and pressing her cell phone to her ear. “You just left your house”, you want to say, “Who are you calling and why can’t it wait?” Then there’s the guy at the grocery store deli aisle looking like he’s never seen pastrami before. He’s talking to his wife, you suppose, and he’s like “Well, they have Oscar Mayer but I don’t see the Louis Rich. Is Oscar Mayer OK?” Please.
All of these radio waves, Bluetooth, and WiFi are flying through the air, zapping our brains and our reproductive systems, aging us, growing brain tumors, and killing all of the honey bees. For what?
Oscar freaking Mayer.
So, go ahead and get your iPhone. Surf the internet on your Blackberry, and listen to MP3s on your Razor. It’s cool. I’m OK with it, but I don’t want it.
I’m going to wait for the inner-ear mobile phone implant that I just read about. Now that’s cool.
Now, I’m a friendly guy so I say “Great, thanks. How you?”
You know where this is going, don’t you?
He glances at me with this perturbed look and then I see the Borg implant in his ear, pulsing red – he’s on a call.
“No, just some guy on the elevator” he says to no one in particular, and I’m there for five floors staring at my shoes and boiling while he talks about really important stuff.
It’s amazing how ingrained these things are in peoples lives, isn’t it? How many times do you pull out of your driveway and see your neighbor firing up her Hummer and pressing her cell phone to her ear. “You just left your house”, you want to say, “Who are you calling and why can’t it wait?” Then there’s the guy at the grocery store deli aisle looking like he’s never seen pastrami before. He’s talking to his wife, you suppose, and he’s like “Well, they have Oscar Mayer but I don’t see the Louis Rich. Is Oscar Mayer OK?” Please.
All of these radio waves, Bluetooth, and WiFi are flying through the air, zapping our brains and our reproductive systems, aging us, growing brain tumors, and killing all of the honey bees. For what?
Oscar freaking Mayer.
So, go ahead and get your iPhone. Surf the internet on your Blackberry, and listen to MP3s on your Razor. It’s cool. I’m OK with it, but I don’t want it.
I’m going to wait for the inner-ear mobile phone implant that I just read about. Now that’s cool.
1 comment:
Im with you on that. One day while driving around I saw 4 teens in a car... all of them were on a cell phone.
We own one, it's a tracfone, for emergencys and long distance calls only its off 99.9% of the time.
Post a Comment