Al Gore and the Heat Index

Yeah, it’s hot.

No. This is not another diatribe on global warming. I’m not buying it, and I’m not selling it. If that’s your angle then you might want to go and fish another pond.

No, my beef is with the Heat Index. It’s not really a beef – I just find it amusing that we have invented a new way to make it sound hotter than it is. Now, don’t get me wrong, ‘cause I know it’s hot. But I grew up in Oklahoma, and it’s always been hot. Seems like now-a-days anytime it get’s over 100 degrees, people get excited, likes it’s never happened before. When the mercury gets into the century range, the newscasters always give the temperature in two parts, like this: “Well, it’s 102 degrees out there today, but with the heat index, it feels like it’s 114!”

Now 102 degrees, that’s pretty impressive, I guess, but 114? Now that’s something to brag about. I suppose that people have always fudged the truth a little when it has come to extremes, but it used to be called exaggerating. Now, it's scientifically backed!

I’m wondering why we don’t apply this same philosophy to other aspects of the weather. Can you imagine all the old men down at Pixley’s Sunshine Diner bragging about their rain-guage readings like grandchildren?
“We got two-anna-quarter inches at my place”, says one old farmer.
“Well, I got two and nearly-three-eighths”, says Mr. One-Up-On-Ya.
Then, there’s the 3rd guy who watched Mr. High-Tech Weatherman on the oh-six-hundred newscast. “I got over two-annie-half at my place”. Then he adds with a gotcha-smirk, “but with the Precipitation Index, that’s almost two-point-eight inches”. Only, he pronounces precipitation like this: Pree-sip-ee-TAY-shun. A gen-U-ine $10.00 word.
And what’s more, we could come up with a Snowfall Index, a Wind index, fog indices –the possibilities are endless.

But what if we carried this idea into other aspects of our lives?

How about Age indices? For older folks, we could sound younger. “Well, I’ll be seventy-one next year but with the Spry Index, I feel like I’m only sixty-five!” Or for the younger set, “My Betsy’s only four but she’s so bright! Almost five and a half on the Maturity Index!”

An Obesity Index can’t be far off, right? I mean relatively speaking, I’m not as fat as those other guys are.

An official index for singles playing the bar scene would be helpful, I’m sure.
“Karl, check out that gal!”
“Shoot, Bubba, she’s homely. Only a three on a ten-scale.”
“Yea, maybe Karl, but she’s a solid seven on the Budweiser scale.”
Yea, I know. The Budweiser scale has been around since prohibition ended. It just needs to be standardized for those of us who don’t drink.

There should be an index for those handicapped with a lead-foot; “Yes, officer, I know I was going ninety-six, but this is a ‘Vette, right? I mean that’s only fifty-three on the Chevy Cavalier Speed Equivalency Index.”

I think what would really be cool is if there was a Super-Christian-Spirituality Index (SCSI). It would work like this. Joe and Susie Christian (not real people) attend their church three times a week, and even teach Sunday School classes. They don’t swear, drink, smoke, or dance and they pray before eating in public. Susie has a bumper sticker on her Volvo that says “WWJD” and Joe occasionally wears a t-shirt that says “Real Men Love Jesus”. Joe and Susie would rate a solid nine-point-eight on the Super-Christian-Spirituality Index even though, in reality, apart from their church and Sundays, there is very little about Joe and Susie that is Christ-like. They don’t give to charities, or stop to help stranded motorists. They don’t know their neighbors names, much less their needs. They are rude and condescending to people they deem worthy of noticing, and treat the remainder as invisible. They are vain and self-serving and their lives lack real spirituality.

Still, a 9.8 on the SCSI aint bad!

Anyway, it’s too hot for this. It’s like, 114 degrees outside.

Maybe Al Gore is right.